You will NEVER look like a winner fighting a midget
No Matter How Bad, It Can Always Be Worse
Doctor comes out of hospital delivery room looks at the father and says I have some good news and some bad news. The father takes a deep breath and says give me the good news first Doc. To which the doctor replies your wife just gave birth to a 9 pound eyeball. The father gasp and says that’s the good news what could be worse then having a 9 pound eyeball? The doctor says It’s Blind.
Life is all about ass. You're either working your ass off, sweating your ass off, laughing your ass off, kicking ass, kissing ass, spanking ass, hauling ass, wiping ass, busting ass or trying to get a piece of ass! Or, you are an ass.
An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.Finally, the Lawyer asked, Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here? The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go.
Police Officer, traffic stops an old woman; ask her for driver’s license, registration insurance. After he runs license it shows she has a concealed weapons permit.
He tells old woman, dispatch is saying you have a weapons permit is that so? And she answers yes! He ask her if she has a weapon right now shesays yes I have a 45 auto in the glove box, he says is that all? She says and a Glock 9mm in console he ask anything else? she says a 38 S&W in my purse.The Officer says wow! what are you afraid of? She says not a darn thing.
OBAMA AND THE QUEEN
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowns "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent? "
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question.
"Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Biden asks Powell, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Man go’s to Dr. for check up, After Dr. exams him he say I have found two things wrong with you, one is you have brain cancer, the other is you are in the latter stages of altimezers, the old man says thanks Dr. I’m just glad I don’t have cancer.
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank c heck.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!
Blond girl gets pulled over by a blond female trooper. Looks for her license but can't find it and finally pulls out a small mirror, looks at it and says, "Here it is" and hands it to the blond trooper. She looks at it and says, "Go ahead, I didn't realize you were a cop"
A blonde was driving down a country road and witnessed another blonde in a row boat in the middle of a field. She was trying to row the boat across to the other side. Angry, the blonde driver stopped her car and got out to yell at the blonde in the boat. "It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name, and if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt"
why did the blonde get fired from the M&Ms factory?.... She was throwing out all the "W"s
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls". Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked; Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?
What did the blonde say to the doctor when he told her she was pregnant??? Are you sure it's mine? What did the blonde say after she was done having sex??? U guys all on the same team??? How's a blonde turn off the lights after sex??? Shuts the car door..
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, " Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see? "
The Lone Ranger replies, " I see millions of stars. "
"What that tell you? " asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, " Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you,Tonto? "
" Tells Tonto You dumber than buffalo crap. Someone stole tent. "
Blonde on Plane There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,“Is something wrong?”
To which she replied,“There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying,“You’ve got mail!”
Tree on Road
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
Civil Rights Bill
A reporter asked me what I thought about the presidents civil rights bill. I said, "If he owes it, I reckon he should pay it."
Circle One time I won a brand new sports car in a contest. I drove around all the time waving at the police. One day the police stopped me, they drew a circle in the dirt and said "If you step out of that circle, we will kick your butt." They pick up hammers and start busting up my new car. They look back and me and they are smiling. They hit the car some more, and they start laughing. They walk over to me and ask "Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car." I said, "I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times."
A Really Bad Day I was at a bar, just looking at my drink. I sit like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps up next to me, takes my drink, and just drinks it all down. I started crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my job. My boss, is mad at me and fires me. When I leave my job to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I hitched a ride to get home, and when I got out of the car, I remember I left my wallet."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife has left me. I left home, and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Wife/Address My wife passed away and I called 911. The 911 operator told me that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
I said, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
"I thought about spelling Eucalyptus for a minute and I said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
I was out in the woods hunting with a friend of mine and he fell to the ground. I got that cell phone of mine out and I called 911. I said, "Oh my goodness my friend is dead! He ain't breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. What can I do?" The operator tried to calm me down and said, Alright, take it easy. I can help you. First, let's make sure he is dead."
So I raised my shotgun and shot him. I got back on the phone with the operator and said, . "OK. Now what??"
Most Wanted I was at the local police station where I saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
I pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So I asked, "Why the didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Theater I was laying sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.
This usher man came by and he said, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
I groaned but I didn't budge.
The usher man got mad and started gettin impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
I just layed there and groaned, which made the usher man even madder. He turned and marched back up that aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher man and the manager came back and stood over me. Together the two of them tried over and over to move me, but they couldn't.
Finally, they called the police.
The police looked around and then asked me, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Odell," I moaned.
"Where ya from, Odell?"
With pain in my voice I replied "... the balcony."
Speeding The other day I was driving down the road and I got pulled over for speeding. The cop got out of his car and I rolled down my window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. I said, "Well, I got here as fast as I could."
Court I went to court the other day and the judge said to me, "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."
"Your Honor," I said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."
Save a Lot I went to Save a Lot the other day I was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy said, "No sir, they're dead."
Parking Ticket So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving me a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him another name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care, my car was parked around the corner...
No Tail Lights I got stopped by the police today and he said "How long have you been driving without a tail light?" I jumped out, ran to the rear of my truck, and gave a long, painful groan. I was so upset that the cop felt sorry for me. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "I said, I ain't worried about the tail light, I want to know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
Marksman One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot. "This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?" "Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
Subject: DUI Test Kentucky Style
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Danville , Kentucky . After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the
parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen." ******************************************************************* ******************************************************************
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten knob. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten knob?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw w hat the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
************************************************************************************* Poor Guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher,'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
The old rancher says,'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying,'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer.'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge... Show him your badge!'
Subject: I Can't Shop at Walmart Any More
Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, For my dogs Bubba and Annie. I was about to check out when a woman Behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think, that I had an elephant?
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably Shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.
On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an Intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs In both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the Way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat One or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally Complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that Practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food Had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking Lot to lick my tail and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was Laughing so hard!
I love this!.. I thought some of you would especially appreciate this one!
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian
Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if
they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and
involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and
destination. I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency)
frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai .. ******************************************************** ****************************************************************
The conversation went like this...
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)
DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well
now, that's different..... You didn't tell me you had a prescription.